Campaign ‘08 - Exclusive Interview: Odin, The All-Father

After uncanny developments following the first Presidential Debate, the “Norse Gods” of the Asgardian Party have been making incredible gains in what was once described as a tight race. Though no where near the lead, Odin the All-Father has impacted voters in a way most thought was impossible, drawing a very large percentage away from the other main Presidential hopefuls, John McCain and Barack Obama. Of course, I felt the public needed to know a bit more of Odin’s stance when it comes to a few domestic issues, though it was going to be hard…well hard if I was a human…to summon him. After 2 weeks or so, I had enough sacrificial virgins (72), cookies (chocolate chip), and mead (tasty) to please him for a few minutes (3) while we could speak on the issues the people are concerned about the most. I met him in his hall, Valhalla, where thousands of warriors live daily in preparation for the great war, Ragnarök. Of course, I had my own [KILLER] reputation there, and was immediately flogged by some 300 women (and some of the weaker Valkyrie, who just couldn’t help themselves) that happened to be in the room. The commotion caused the other 4-500 in the next room to start flooding the hallways just to get a peak at my incredible visage. Of course, Odin was understanding and we had our fill of meat, cheese, wine and women. We had to bat a few out as a dozen or so lingered after grown-up time, and that feeling of “Why is she still here?” was starting to creep over the both of us. After kicking out the last of the stragglers, I sat at the fire while Odin pulled up his High Chair, and we commenced with the interview.

Njord:
Odin, the All-Father. The new candidate for United States President. I think the majority of the people know the basics of your bid for leadership, but what made you decide to run for the presidency?
Odin:
Well, as I’ve stated many times before, I spent many years in America as Vegtam the Wanderer.  In fact, I had a drink or two on Benjamin Franklin.  That guy was alright. Well, anyway. So I took a liking to America, all it was built on, what it stood for, the message it sent. And America was always a bad ass in the Viking sense of the word.  I mean, if you look at the Monroe Doctrine, some pissant little agricultural nation just stood the fuck up and said “Hey, rest of the world…this is our area now.  If you mess with them, you mess with us.”
It was incredibly ballsy and they immediately gained my respect, however, in recent years, I’ve noticed a problem called “liberal hippie bed-wetting” or as it’s more commonly known as “political correctness”
So I decided I had had enough and if anyone is going to lead America back to it’s glory days of giving it hard and straight and letting those who were jealous have hurt feelings, it better be the Norse God of Awesome and Everything in Between, Odin!
Njord:
You don’t believe that your brash nature, strong words, and general “fuck it” attitude won’t put off potential voters? Because I don’t think many will put up with being told that their country is full of “liberal hippies”
Odin:
They can go fuck themselves.
NEXT QUESTION!
Njord:
Ahahah, well then.
One of the biggest problems facing America today is the myriad of wars we’re entangled in at the moment. What are your views on them and how to you plan to deal with each?
Odin:
I intend to not make the same mistake as most recent war time presidents have, and it’s a simple concept that had Hitler done it, we’d all be speaking German, and this concept, bear with me now, is called: “Letting the generals fight the war.”
What I mean by that is politicians and presidents since Vietnam on have always been to hands on with the way wars are fought, yet anyone who’s watched even seconds of CSPAN knows, that politicians know PRECISELY dick about shit.
You know who does know dick about shit?  The commanders on the ground.  The men who’ve made their bones in the Armed Forces:
The men who’ve spent 30+ years leading troops and making battle plans.
The men who’ve devoted their collective genius to war, rather than civilian endeavors which would have made them infinitely more rich and affluent.
The men who’ve graduated something called “The Command and Staff College” and “The War College.”
The men who know what needs to be done and how it needs to get done and when it can be done as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Njord:
You seem to have a lot of respect for the commanders in the thick of these wars.
Now it’s been widely speculated that the Norse god ‘Thor’ is a potential pick for Secretary of Defense, should you get the Presidential position.
Odin:
That is a terrible, terrible lie
Who the fuck wins wars through defense?
That’s the pussification of America I’m striving to fight against. Bring back the good ol’ days, the days your grandfather fucked your grandmother in back before he went off to fight the Nazis and Japs
Bring back the SECRETARY OF WAR!
and yes, Thor will be fitting that role nicely.
Njord:
Well that position has been abolished for over 60 years now, so Thor better have some mighty nice qualifications for the job
Odin:
There were times in the days of yore that merely invoking Thor’s name would force entire nations to surrender to their attacker, lest they face the wrath of Thor. I think he’ll do nicely, and if he completely bungles the job, he’ll probably just kill anyone who calls him out on it. So things should work themselves out naturally
Njord:
Though voters have questioned his…bloodthirsty nature. .Is it certain that Thor wouldn’t attack our neighbors and allies without provocation?
Odin:
I am his father, if I could handle Thor throughout his teenage years, I think I can handle him as my secretary of war. Now, that being said, Thor would attack them if he saw fit.  You listening rest of the world?  America is NOT to be trifled with.
Thor speaks softly and carries a big stick…named Mjolnir
Njord:
And it has already gained quite the reputation, but enough about Thor. Another big concern is the economy, which has literally gone to shit in the past few weeks.
Odin:
Odin knows enough about the economy to get him by, but he will need a great adviser to help him on this, so Ollerus will be filling the role of Secretary of the Treasury
Odin will directly do one thing with an executive order and that is he will abolish the over computerization and automation of the stock market. While computers can carry out transaction quickly, they do not have the intuition and foresight that human good at their jobs can have. Ollerus knows of a wise man who predicted this entire crisis at least a year before it happened, yet the computers couldn’t do that.
Njord:
But with the large chances of human error and corruption, aren’t you afraid that those same people might take advantage of that new system?
Odin:
There’s always that chance, but that’s what makes America so great
that we have a little bit of everything. We have good people who keep bad people in check. Would you rather Odin create a government board to directly oversee morality and transactions and kill anyone who doesn’t comply?
It’s the dice roll that makes the human experience so special. Now, obviously there has to be SOME government regulation to fix these loop holes that allowed these banks to find a whole new way to buy on margin, but the less regulation the better.
I wouldn’t say as little as possible, I’d use “as much as necessary”
Njord:
So, though it has been disputed about numerous times, it’s pretty much accepted that you and your comrades ARE truly Norse gods. Being “divine”, how do you plan on connecting with voters on a personal level?
Odin:
Is fucking your mother enough or do I have to throw your sister in there, too?
Njord:
Alright, new question.
Issue, education - Though our standards have risen, funding has fallen, and it’s getting harder and harder each year for students to enter college. How do you plan on dealing with our lackluster educational system?
Odin:
Again, personal responsibility is the main issue here
social programs such as social promotion are the main issues
If the child isn’t ready for the next grade, then damn it, he’s just not ready. If he’s “embarrassed” then he should be, also, parents need to get more involved. Studies have shown parents who take an active interest in a child’s life do better in school. You know, the parents that sit down and make kids do their homework.
And as far as inner city kids and education, it’s a dicey situation, but the internet is a great equalizer
everyone and their mother has the internet or opportunities to use it. As far as college being too expensive, there are city colleges and state universities in place that, by law, are cheap and accessible.
However the entire concept of mandatory college is getting out of hand and businesses are starting to realize it, so who knows what the future might bring.
society seems to be writing itself, I mean…why the fuck would a mechanic have to go to college for 4 years?
Let him apprentice under a mechanic, learn his trade and don’t waste his money, you know?
Njord:
Then again, the job market is getting slim.
Odin:
it’s because people with college degrees don’t want to be janitors
they think they’re “better’n” that kind of work.
We have to break that arrogance. There’s good honest labor to be had working with your hands
but let’s face it, you could think that janitor is a loser, but that loser has a job and you don’t, so who’s laughing now?
Njord:
True, but a lot of people don’t believe the “American dream” involves being a janitor
Odin:
OK
Nothing says you have to stay being a janitor
Work as a janitor and apply for other jobs, and the American dream pretty much is the rags to riches story.
Njord:
I can agree with that. Many of our grandfathers’ stories tell of working as a janitor, or construction worker, supporting a family of 6 kids without problems. I believe that America has lost of lot of their hard-working attitude.
(In other words, you’re all pansies, wanting everything to be spoon-fed and instantly gratifying, not willing to work for anything on the sake of “time”)
Well, since we’ve covered the basics of your beliefs and standings, are there any last statements you want to make to the American public?
Odin:
Prepare yourselves to be spanked, and hard.
You’ve all been naughty and lackadaisical and you’ve had your hands held for years without being seriously reprimanded
you’ve been told mediocrity is acceptable
They’ve created ribbons up to 10th place
and the notion that “just being nominated is an honor” has permeated every level of our consciousness
No longer
No longer shall the loser be glorified and made to feel better
No longer will you be spoon fed
and no longer will failure be tolerated
get ready for a reality check, America
you’ll thank me later
Njord:
Well it has been an interesting interview, so I thank you, Odin, for your time
Odin:
No present me with the throngs of women I was promised
and I shall need mead on the quick!

———-

So, of course, I had my virgins enter the hall, and I could almost see Odin smile at my efforts. After clasping his arm, I bid him goodnight and decided to be on my way. My own throng of vixens were waiting back in my hall, and had a tendency to bite when I took my time…I took the scenic route.

Of course, Odin has a long way to go before he has any chance of solidifying his place in this race, but I believe he can do it. With thousands of years under his belt, leading an entire realm of gods, men, and those insatiable Valkyries, Odin has the stuff for the job. It’s just up to you, the people, to see it.

Interview: John - Founder of ARG

So, my little brothers and sisters. Njord, being the grand deity that he is, decided that it was time to pop an Odin and roam the mortal world. Seeking an adventure, I happened to partake upon a quest that had been on my mind for quite awhile. ARG, in all it’s grandeur, did not just appear on the interwebs. Someone had to have put it there, and that someone has been using his energy, and drive, to rebuild ARG in glorious fashion.

It was my mission to find this character, only known by the nom de plume “John”, who had the creative power and vision to bring a site in which angst filled teens could get together and bitch and moan non-stop about their pathetic problems. Who could have foreseen that the Norse would deem his domain a worthy place to elevate this generation and further the warrior spirit? So I worked to track him down. I knew the road would be tough as I left the warm surroundings of my hall, Noatun, but I had everything I needed to survive as a mortal:

• A mystical satchel, designed to be worn across the back. When called upon by it’s true name, Backpack, it’s spirit is evoked and comes to my aid, giving me whatever item I wish for.
• The Map of All, simply known as The Map, which knows the location of everything in existence and the quickest route there. With this, it would definitely not be hard to find John.
• A trio of small, quick witted animals that act as my yes-men, motivating me to keep on my journey as I complete each leg of my quest.

As I neared the Bifröst Bridge, I could see Heimdall off in the distance. The strong and fiercely adept guardian nodded as I stepped onto the rainbow path.  I could instantly feel the effects of the bridge hitting me, my influence over winds and seas slowly draining away. There were to be no immortal powers walking amongst the self-proclaimed gods of Midgard. I need not lose my temper again and go off making “Grand Canyons” and sinking Atlantises. That wouldn’t be good. After weeks of searching I had found him, sipping chai with Zen monks. However, I was not prepared to speak to such a legend. After 3 days of fasting and meditation, I was ready.

Njord:
So. John - The legend. The myth. The Ghost in the machine. Founder of ARG and all things good in on the Interwebs. There was a time when the members didn’t even believe you existed.
and now you show up bringing changes and glory. but we can get down to the details later
let’s just start out with how old you are
John:
I’m 20 years old.
Njord:
and what do you do for work?
John:
Besides contract killing?
Njord:
yeah, other than that
and the whore mongering
John:
I work at home. It’s hard to explain what I do, but in a nutshell you could call it Internet Advertising/Marketing I guess.
Njord:
Oh, you’re the spammy email guy. Great.
and you told me before that you aren’t going to school currently, right?
John:
Right. School would slow me down.
Njord:
You must be ballin’. Of course you would have to be to vacation in Antarctica or wherever it is you go
so how did you get started in the internet biz?
John:
When I was 15 I used my birthday money to start a game server rental company.
Njord:
Pretty ambitious for a 15 year old.
so what gave you the idea for ARG?
John:
I saw that the domain was for sale, and I immediately thought, wow, that domain name is fucking awesome. I played around with a few ideas but I eventually landed on making it a teen forum.
Njord:
Pretty awesome idea, though hard to accomplish with dozens of other teen sites, plus social networks, to compete with
how’d you work out drawing a large member base?
John:
I advertised on a number of websites, using banner ads that included pictures of somewhat attractive females.
Njord:
You know that was the exact same way I described them when I first came to ARG
John:
Haha, really?
Njord:
As a matter of fact, my first post was telling the fanboys to get over them
and go get some real world pussy
John:
And that’s why you are loved and hated.
Njord:
Of course. I’m like Tetanus shots.
Do you happen to know those girls by the way?
>.>
John:
Hell no. I found the pictures on the net. Although one day I did come across someone’s MySpace profile who had the exact same photo as one of the members in the banner ad.
I still wonder if it was really them or someone doing the same thing as I was.
Njord:
Makes you think twice about the internet dating thing
John:
On second thought, maybe it was MyYearBook
Haha, definitely.
Njord:
so, this is back in what, December you made ARG?
John:
Yeah, Dec 23
Njord:
What were your goals for a teen forum?
John:
To be the biggest.
Njord:
and hopefully just have them entertain themselves enough to stick around eh?
John:
You got it. And I’m currently working on more things to entertain the members.
Njord:
True. You’ve gone and thrown huge overhauls on the site.
Including the nice Wordpress mod that lets members write advice and informative articles for their peers. What made you decide to include that nice little addition?
John:
Honestly? Because I think ARG needs to be more than just a forum. And there is no way that I could write articles for every category, nor would I be qualified to do so.
Njord:
That’s a lot of investment for a website hosting a bunch of Viking gods and clueless, prepubescent bastards.
John:
You know what they say, you have to spend money to make money.
Njord:
That is true, and you obviously make a lot of money. What, exactly, is that ballin’ looking vehicle in your profile? Is that your fun car?
Looks like a sexy ‘Vette.
John:
It’s an ‘07 Corvette. And yeah it’s my fun car.
Njord:
At 20 years old. I hope I grow up to be like you someday
So, what bands are sitting in the cd player of that awesome car you’re going to let me drive sometime?
John:
Not a lot at the moment. I listen to the radio quite a bit. Let’s see, Collision Couse (Jay Z + Linkin Park), and a mixed CD with everything from MIA - Paper Planes to  - Daniel Powter - Had a Bad Day
Njord:
Ah I see, semi-good stuff, semi-good stuff.
So whose the lady that’s forcing you to listen to the radio all the time?
John:
The wife’s name is Whitney. She’s a hotty.
Njord:
I hope so, married at 20. Ridiculous. But you’re rich so you can do that. No little John Jrs on the way?
John:
Fuck no.
Njord:
*I chuckled*
Woo..man..okay..
So what’s next on the agenda for the great John? Any more big projects in the works?
John:
ARG has all of my focus right now. I’m working on adding new sections and buying more advertising.
Njord:
That’s awesome. So ARG can finally stop bitching at you with their “Suggestion Threads”, PMs, etc.
John:
Yep. It’s time to stop fucking around.
Njord:
Well that’s good. It’s about time you started showing up at your own site more.
Also on time, Karma, who rose from the dead today?
Who the fuck is he and where has he been?
John:
Karma is my brother in real life. I’m hoping he will become active again.
Njord:
Your brother? Awesome. Would have never guessed that one.
You both should post more. Elevate these clueless bastards a little bit.
John:
Yeah I know. I don’t have much time to post though, all my ARG time is spent working on other parts of the site. Karma is 18.
Njord:
Ah okay. Well at least you’re making the place a little better, and showing your brother the run of the family business as well
like a true Don
John:
Haha, exactly.
Njord:
Well, got to cut this interview here
Njord hears his women calling for sex
and hears yours calling for money
but it was good finding out that you’re at least human, and not dead or anything
John:
At least I don’t have to pay my woman
Njord:
Of course not
the Friday night dinners, BMWs, jewelry
those don’t count
John:
Haha
I want a BMW
Njord:
I’ll get you one
just fix my Norse god status that I’ve been asking for…for almost…3 months now
John:
I did that a few hours ago
Njord:
oh really?
John:
I woke up this morning and thought of you.
Njord:
well..
hm
John:
“How can I make Njord’s day a little better today.. ”
Njord:
Let’s not do that again okay?
Wake up thinking about women, sandwiches, and hammers
not about Njord
John:
haha

And so our cajoling went on. It was soon after that John invited me to his not-so-humble abode, where we took upon ourselves the finest of women of the land. They do things with honey that you humans would shrink at. After 3 days, I was reluctant to leave, but the life of a mortal is not for one so grand as Njord. His services are needed elsewhere, in Valhalla for example, so that the warrior spirit can grow and move throughout these lands. I thanked John for his help, for without his allowing us Norse to take dominion upon his lands, our mission would have never been made so easy.

After saying my final farewells, I moved on. Soon reaching the Bifröst again, I saw my good friend Heimdall. He silently nodded as I passed by, trekking back to Noatun. I opened the door and the women of my harem rushed me. They had missed my charm and wit, along with my insastiable appetite for their bodies. However, I still had work to do. As I lay my reports across the table, I smiled to myself. For now I knew that the legend was real, that John existed, and that ARG was not created in vain. The people would be happy and my mission was fulfilled.

~Njord

The Norse God of Awesome

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