Njord’s Guide to Condoms

Of all places to gain inspiration, I was sitting in the Church of Valhalla when the thought came to me that most of you sex-hungry fucks (even though you aren’t getting sex) are completely clueless about the whole act. Unfortunately, that act includes the use of condoms, which should always play a central role in your sexual excursions.

So, beyond statistics (because I don’t feel like citing them, though 98% protection rate is good) condoms protect you from a myriad of problems. The first, and one of the most important, is a 20 year headache known as children. As teens, we really don’t need them (the children), and regardless of what you may think and what your clueless friends tell you, you probably aren’t ready for one. Even if you think you are, it’s only because you’re supported by your parents, and if you’re not, then you’re an idiot in the first place and I weep for the life of that child. As I was saying, children. Bad. Then we have a plethora of STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) that these latex buddies keep us all safe from, including:

• HIV- Eventually turns into the life threatening AIDS virus. Killing millions world-wide, you probably don’t want to inherit this bad-boy.
• Gonorrhea - The “Clap,” curable but nasty as fuck. Also known as getting “Burned”.
• Herpes Simplex - The gift that keeps on giving. Regardless of what those commercials say about happy people with the Herps, it’s not something you’d enjoy or want to live with for the rest of your life.
• Etc etc. - Crabs, however, are caught regardless of condom or not, since they are not a disease but actually lice*

So, that’s all fine and dandy, but I already knew that. Good. Glad you let me know. However, can you tell me the steps to putting on a condom? Well…you just slide it on and go to work! No! You stupid fuck. Now shut-up, sit down, and let me do my job.

Steps to Putting on a Condom:

• Get the penis hard and open the condom package. Tear it carefully so that your teeth, nails, or whatever doesn’t accidentally tear the latex. It happens.
• If you’re uncircumcised, pull the foreskin back before placing the condom on the head/tip of the penis, reservoir tip (the little hump on the end) facing outwards. If it doesn’t roll correctly the first time, then you’ve got it going the wrong way and you should probably get a new one.
• Pinch the air out of the tip before firmly rolling it down the FULL length of the penis. All the way to the base buddy.
• When you ejaculate, firmly grab the base of the condom, around the penis, so that it doesn’t slip/fly off inside of your girl. Pull out while you’re still hard and make sure the condom comes out with you. Losing it would defeat the purpose and she’d have latex inside of her for 9 months.
• To remove a condom, just roll it back up most of the way and slide it off. Don’t flush it. They usually resurface, and it’s such a hilarious joke for your parents to find. Wrap in tissue (if you want, I don‘t care if you feed it to a baby seal), throw away, wash up.

That’s the goods about putting on a condom, however there are some other things you need to know.

A few paranoid tips like:

1. Keep your condom box out of reach and sight. The crazy bitches, who are foxes in bed, like doing stupid stuff like putting holes in your condom so you’re “stuck with them for life.” Trust me, it happens.
2. Second, have a condom box in your room at all times. I always keep at least 12 on hand, because I never know when it’s going to be a crazy night. There’s always that temptation to go sleeveless when you have a minx on your bed and no glove in sight. So instead of putting yourself in that position, go ahead and keep more than necessary in your room. This goes for girls as well by the way.
3. Third, learn your size and stick with it. Yeah, everyone wants to up their ego and try to pull out the famous gold-wrapper, but if it slips off and you get some obscure rash on your dick, then it was a little pointless wasn’t it? Girls won’t mind what size you’re using as long as you know how to rock the boat (that means stimulate her clit) so get what you need and use it. For girls, a general snug fit or regular size is good cover for most, if not all, guys.
4. Fourth, ALWAYS change your condom after each ejaculation. You don’t want leaks or accidental bursts, and it isn’t that much trouble to slip that one off and roll another one on. Trust me, it’s worth the potential 20 years of your life you may waste otherwise.
5. Fifth (a lot huh?), keep at least 2 on some area on your person (not your wallet) where they can be protected from damage and away from the majority of your body heat for prolonged amounts of time. If you plan on going out with the purpose of getting some hot booty. I say two because, as teens, a lot of guys are early poppers (which really doesn’t matter since you’re permanently ready, so don‘t feel bad) and as I said in rule 4, you always want to change out.
6. Sixth, DO NOT DOUBLE UP! Sliding two condoms on you dick doesn’t mean it reduces the chance of you getting AIDS by some 999%. It actually increases friction and the chance for breakage, which means you have more problems trying to use two condoms than just one.
7. And last but definitely not least (actually it’s the most important) USE A CONDOM EACH AND EVERY TIME!

So have safe, fun, and really raunchy sex. Make sure you strap up right and tight every time. Like Mr. T would say, “Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool!”

~Njord the Wise

Njord’s Guide to Foreplay

Alright boys & girls. Time for Big Brother Njord to school you in some lessons of McLovin’ that will have the ladies begging for your burger in no time.
Now, down to business. Foreplay, God’s gift to women. Ask women what the best part of sex is, and I’d bet 75% would say foreplay. However, ask them what kind of foreplay and you begin to get a plethora of answers, from “A romantic dinner” to “rowdy wrestling on the bed.” A lot of guys miss this extremely crucial step when it comes to sex, and then wonder why their girlfriend is crying “It hurts!” when they try to get things done. Others even wonder why their girl doesn’t get off when they’re handing them membership to the Pen-15 club. Time to learn some basic techniques to get-’er-done and hopefully make your sex life that much more enjoyable.

1. Talking - Words. Daggers upon the tongue. You can bury your fingers in her pussy way before you even touch her. Give her dark hints of what you’d like to do to her when you two get home. Tease her with promises to ravage her body as soon as you get the chance. ”You’re going to spread your legs for me.” etc.etc. Trust me, many love it.
2. Touching - Touch! Touch! Touch! As soon as you begin escalating touch past the friend pats and hugs, foreplay begins. You have a myriad of options to go with here, depending on your style. Caressing their arms and legs with your hands, bodily grabbing their arm and pulling them into you, putting your palm on the back of their neck as you pass by, or your hand on the small of their back as you lead her somewhere. Your touch shows masculinity, and your girl will be waiting for you to prove that you have it (In her pants!). Erotic massages are insane too.
3. Kissing - Soft kissing, hard kissing, sensuous, wild, wet, French, Nordic (remind me to teach this to you). Kissing the right way will get any girl wet, and sets off the romping 95% of the time. Kiss her erogenous zones (sensitive spots that send shivers down her spine) such as the neck, in-between the breasts, down her stomach, above and on the vagina, thighs, wrists, back of the knee, hands and feet (if that’s your thing)
4. Biting/Nibbling - A dangerous concept indeed. This is a particular fetish that not all women will like (though most do), however it has to be done right. The lips (one at a time!), neck, wrists, shoulder, ears, in-between the elbow, thumb, and sometimes the clit (or vulva). Take a nice size chunk and bite into it softly, bringing your teeth together. Quick and nice, don’t chew on her. Remember not to pinch or you’ll create a problem, and make sure she’s well aroused when you go into serious biting. And kill the slurping or whatever other beastly sounds you may have. Keep those for the playground.
5. Licking - Oh my. Now a lot of guys have trouble with this one, because of certain parts of the body it may entail. However, this is close to the #1 way of getting a girl off. Lick her, EVERYWHERE. Around her breasts and nipples, then on them. On her neck after you bite it. On her chin, just below her lower lip. When it comes down to the juicy, first lick around the vulva and around the clit. Then when you want to eat her out, KEEP IT LIGHT until she pushes herself into you. Try writing the alphabet with your tongue, numbers, or even random shapes. Keep doing that until she reacts to what she likes.
6. Teasing - Oooh, she’d love to kiss you but damnit you keep pushing her away, or holding her 2 inches from your lips. Tie her up, blind-fold her, and touch/kiss/lick her in random places. Get rough with her, wild makeout, and then quickly slow down, killing your masculine energy to a sensuous level, then speed back up again. Even right before sex, you can rub the head of your penis over her vagina a few good times. Build her anticipation. Most girls will tell you this is the #1 way to get them off.
7. Fingering - The Gusto! Every middle school boy’s dream. Fingering gets it done everywhere, from the back of the school bus to the dark realms of the movie theater. Basically, where ever you can’t get all of her clothes off, that’s where a good fingering comes in. It does it’s job in the bedroom as well, especially when you couple it with cunnilingus (eating her out). If she’s highly aroused, and her clit is exposed, GET YOUR FINGER WET before you even think about putting it near her pussy. The clit is extremely sensitive, and a dry finger would do nothing but irritate it and probably send your girl into spasms of pain. Change it up or keep doing what you’re doing if she says, “Don’t stop. Keep doing what you’re doing.” Master this art, and your girls will be having spams of pleasure (IN THE BACK OF THE CLASSROOM! HOO-AH!)

So, add these into your foreplay vocab and you’ll have her squirming for your Magic Stick in no time. However, I need to make sure I lay down a few ground rules first. The most important being:

• Wrap up. As Mr. T says, “Don’t be a fool. Wrap your tool!”
• Do NOT follow rote and script - Every woman and every sexual encounter is different. If it isn’t, you’re a boring fuck (literally). Remember that every technique won’t work on a girl, and some techniques work better than others, and some girls don’t even need these for foreplay. Learn to read your girl and calibrate to her feelings, body language, and what she flat out says she wants.
• Do NOT become dependent on these techniques. Sure, try them on your first 3-4 times to get the concepts down, but please adapt and evolve. Constantly add more to your repertoire.
• Do NOT be repetitive. Change it up. Please.

Now go out there warrior, and GET SOME!

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